Why is playfulness important when it comes to parenting teenagers? You’re about to find out.
Chiara Rossetti and I were connected through my Playful Heart Parenting Instagram account, thanks to a post I had made about my frustration with my toddler son’s food-throwing. She asked if I’d ever heard of “Aware Parenting.”
Admittedly, I felt my eyes roll ever so slightly… “Another parenting technique/label/style/method?!” I thought to myself. “There are too many! I can’t keep up! Aren’t they all just some form of ‘gentle parenting?'”
But my ears perked up when she mentioned that PLAY is a huge part of the Aware Parenting philosophy. She recommended the book Attachment Play by Aletha Solter and explained how life-changing it was. I ordered it instantly. Boy, was she right!!
Click here to find Attachment Play and my other book recommendations. *I receive a small commission through the Amazon influencer program when you purchase through this link.
I tore through that book and everything made so much sense. It blew my mind. All of my instincts about the type of play that deeply connects us with our kids was being spelled out for me.
From there, Chiara and I became fast friends, connecting through long rambling voice memos full of laughter and vulnerability. My husband dubbed her my new “Transatlantic Bestie,” and he was correct.
Chiara is such a beacon of wisdom, joy, encouragement, and hope. She is the kind of friend who will tell it you straight, with a few tactul curse words, big cackling laughter, tasteful self-deprication, and best of all — a big, open heart.
Chiara is a single mother and an Aware Parenting instructor. She discovered Aware Parenting when her son was an infant. It was life-changing for her. She’s told their story multiple times, so I won’t repeat it here.
I’ll instead send you to this podcast episode, where you can enjoy her big laugh and beautiful accent that is flavored from the many places around the world in which she’s lived.
Here’s why I knew Chiara would be the perfect person to ask about playfulness with teens.
I could — and probably will — interview Chiara on a plethora of play-related topics, but I knew that there was one I wanted to start with. A hot topic. One that people often dread… parenting TEENS.
Chiara’s children are now technically adults, but their relationship through the teenage years has not only been smooth but incredibly joyful, filled with playfulness and laughter. I know that I absolutely desire that when my kids are teens!
I’ve admittedly had some fear and sadness when thinking about the future and my kids becoming teens. I’ve worried about the stereotypical arguments, conflict, and them wanting to distance themselves from me, so I was eager to ask Chiara her tips for parenting teens.
I figured she’d have some pretty solid advice, and wow — she sure did. This interview is a must-read for all parents of teens as well as for all parents of children who will one day be teens!
Please enjoy Chiara’s wise words on why being playful and lighthearted with teens is more meaningful than we might realize.
Chiara, I’m going to start off with maybe the most challenging question: What would you say to parents who have not had the most playful relationship with their children and feel that it is “too late” or hopeless to start being playful with them now, in these teen years?
The first thing I would say is it is never too late to start being playful with your child. It is never too late to start connecting in a different way with your child. I’ve seen adults who have introduced sprinklings of play into their adult relationships and have transformed entire relationships almost instantaneously. The best place to start is now.
I always advise people to start in the tiniest way. Don’t overload your system; don’t go straight from no play to giant play. That’ll freak everyone out!
Play does evolve and looks very different depending on the age of the child. You’re not gonna play peekaboo with a teenager. So yes, the earlier you start playing the better, obviously, because you can start forming a kind of play culture that is relevant and significant to your family‘s sense of humor. But it is literally never too late.
It is never too late to start being playful with your child.
What are some thoughts or ideas for parents to sit with before they embark on a more playful approach to parenting?
One of the most important things to do before you start playing is to really sit with what it means to you. What are your motivations? What is your philosophy about the reason that you’ve looked into play?
Play is an entire spectrum. Play can be really gentle “I love you” rituals, brushing hair and pretending you are in a hair salon. It can be really low energy, throwing scrunched up pieces of paper at a target while you’re sitting on the couch with your child. And it can go all the way to big, boisterous, gregarious, wild wrestling — high energy, lots of noise play.
You can tailor your level of play and match it to your skill level, energy level, and willingness/desire level.
It’s also helpful to look back at your childhood, and ask yourself questions like, “What did play mean to me?”
What are some barriers you’ve come across as far as parents being resistant to a more playful outlook?
Parents often have this belief that if they play with their child, the child won’t learn when to be serious — they’ll laugh at funerals and it’ll all be really inappropriate.
But I guarantee that is 100% untrue. Children have an innate ability to know exactly when to use play and humor as do adults and yes, sometimes we get it wrong, but the more you do it the more you’ll know when it’s appropriate or not.
How have playfulness and laughter helped you and your children stay close and connected throughout their teen years?
Playfulness and laughter help me and my children in ways that are undeniably transformational. They have made the teenage years in our household really harmonious and full of ease and trust — the complete opposite of what people think the teen years are going to be like.
Yes, there are hiccups in the day, but we don’t have the slamming doors or disrespect. We’re really connected. They let me know where they’re at. If I have any worries, we talk about it.
Playfulness has been key in all of this, because at the end of the day what is playfulness? It’s getting down on their level. It’s lightening the heavy load.
It’s taking the stress and the struggle out of parenting and replacing it with a really deep connection. Deep connection to myself, deep connection to my children, and deep connection to each other.
It has only enhanced every aspect of our lives.
Playfulness and laughter… have made the teenage years in our household… the complete opposite of what people think the teen years are going to be like.
I also really love that when my children have friends around and we are playful as a family, their friends are often a little bit surprised at first and go like, “What is this family? The moms bit quirky…” But they also instantaneously seem to feel more at ease and relaxed. Our house is then a safe place for everyone, all emotions are welcome, and it’s just expanded our ability to be connected.
My mission in life is to dispel the myth of the “terrible twos” and the “terrible teen” years. I absolutely know that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Parenting doesn’t have to be a struggle and doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t have to be all about preparing them in a serious way to “fly the coop,” to leave you and go out into the world. That concept can feel really big and scary. The connection you form and maintain through play really does help prepare them to go out into the world.
Can you describe a couple examples of playful interactions that make you feel connected with your children, along with any advice for parents on how to apply these examples to their own relationships with their kids?
My ideas for playing with teenagers are very different from how I would play with children — although fart and poop humor is absolutely still fun for teenagers.
The best advice I can give to parents who are beginning to play with teenagers who were previously not very playful is to start small and sprinkle it in throughout the day rather than trying to do a big chunk of play in a day.
The other advice is to really get into “play mode.” Mia uses the words “play goggles” to energetically shift into the desire that you are about to be playful for 10 seconds, 10 minutes, whatever you’re feeling. This is so that you’ve created an atmosphere of play, and you’ve given space to yourself and your teenager for play and then stop.
For example, every time I walk by my 18-year-old son’s bedroom, he’s always got a pair of dirty socks on the floor. I’ll always ball them up and throw them at them and then he throws them back at me. It takes two seconds and then I go about my day.
When I connect with him throughout the day with little games like that, then that is as powerful, if not more powerful, than trying to do something big like go play basketball with him.
With my daughter, who is nearly 20, play can look like dropping her off at the bus and making a little joke about something that has happened in the day between us. She’ll get out the car and still be laughing.
It takes no energy and is such a simple way to connect. I love that when we say goodbye to each other we are able to introduce that little bit of humor to lighten her step.
Start small and sprinkle [play] in throughout the day rather than trying to do a big chunk.
A lot of specific examples I could mention are personal so they wouldn’t make much sense to others but are so meaningful to our family.
I really like the idea of power reversal. I will often sing lyrics incorrectly.
Or if I’m going to hand my son something, I’ll shove it under my his hat.
Almost every time I get off the couch my son will pull me back down. Sometimes that’s quite annoying and it’s perfectly OK to say, “You know what, I’m not in a playful mood right now. I just need to get to the kitchen,” and he’ll respect that.
Or when we get home we’ll pull each other’s hands back so that we can’t get the key in the door, knocking it sideways — such a silly little low-effort game but we do it a lot.
The other thing I love doing is in the morning when my daughter gets to sleep in. I’ll just get into bed with her and we’ll chat and end up laughing. That kind of humor has come because we’ve cultivated it throughout their lives.
Do you think that teens need playfulness just as much as young children? What’s different and what’s the same when it comes to playing with our kids when they’re young versus when they are teenagers?
When children are younger, they don’t have the ability to put into words what is disturbing them or what the problem is. They can’t fully express their stress with language, so play is a way to help them somatically release whatever has accumulated in their little bodies.
For young children, plays really lightens the mood. When we get down on their level, speak their language, and help make life less serious, it allows them to release any pent-up feelings they have.
For the teenage years, play is really about lightening the load because as they grow, the load gets heavier.
Especially if children have to deal with adult themes. There’s a lot more pressure on children these days to deal with in general. So to me, play in the teenage years has a different intention and is vital in different ways.
For young children, the connection part of the games is about really helping them develop that muscle to process whatever is going on in their world. Then in the teenage years, that muscle extends into giving them the tools to be able to deal with heavier situations.
So, yes. Absolutely. Teenagers need play as much — if not more — than young children do.
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, teenagers need all the help they can get. They need all the lightness they can get. They need any tool that we can hand them that will help them connect with themselves, with us, and with the world around them.
For young children, play really helps lighten the mood. For the teenage years, play is really about lightening the load, because the load gets heavier.
What would you say to parents who are worried their teens will just roll their eyes at them or be rude in the face of silliness?
It’s true that the reaction to playfulness or silliness may not be what you expect, so you really have to stay curious.
Kids, tweens, and teens might not jump on board the silly train with you. They might act really annoyed or even angry, and that response is also welcome.
One of the most amazing things about connecting to play is that any feelings that need to come up will come up when the atmosphere is light and they feel emotionally safe enough to discharge that stress they’ve been harboring.
So sometimes it can look like playfulness is backfiring, but once you understand serious emotions and how playing really helps them to be brought to the surface, it’ll be much easier to deal with.
Let’s pretend I’m a parent who is inspired to start being more playful with my teenager, but I need some advice on where exactly to begin. What’s an easy starting point? Is there something specific I can try today?
If you are a parent of a teenager and you’ve never played before, here are some hypothetical scenarios for concrete examples:
Say your teenager comes to the breakfast table and they put the phone on the table. You can say, “Hey, what’s that behind you?!” and be really dorky then take the phone and hide it. When they turn around and go, “Yeah, funny mom, haha…” you give them their phone back then go to put their glass of orange juice down in front of them but when they go to grab it, move it away an inch and keep smiling.
Keeping things light is really important when you’re playing with teenagers.
Another scenario is your child gets up and goes to their room but can’t find their black T-shirt. You can really ham it up and go in there frantically the look all around the place, keeping it silly instead of being stern/serious and lecturing them about keeping better track of their things.
*Note from Mia: It can be a fine line between mocking/teasing and playing — only you know your individual child and their sense of humor. Do what feels right to you and tune into your kid’s style.
From your experience with teens, not just with your own but also with those you’ve met through your Teen Listening Program, what do you understand to be the main thing teenagers long for when it comes to connecting with their parents?
Yes, my wonderful colleague and I started a “listening service” about a year ago now. We felt a void in the world of teenagers where they feel like they neither have the time nor the money nor do they quite have the seriousness for a psychologist or school counselor.
Yet they also feel they can’t approach their parents about certain things. It’s really hard for parents to take the emotions out of listening to their children, because they’re emotionally attached to them!
So we are filling a void by being that space for teenagers who just need to talk things through and talk things out. We listen to deeply understand, not to give advice. We don’t do any therapy. There are no tricks. We are just a safe place talk about what ever comes up, be it school, work, boyfriends, drugs, or whatever they are dealing with in their lives.
It’s been really touching because we strongly believe that most people, especially teenagers, already know what to do. They have innate wisdom that gets clouded by various challenges in their lives, so when they’re able to talk through things, we can almost see them actively working it out as they share their issues.
It’s been such a humbling process, because although teens have gotten a bad rap throughout history, the truth is that they are amazing. They’re going out into the world with so many more new challenges than we had growing up, and they have these incredible brains and incredible hearts. They just need an hour every now and again to just be listened to deeply.
It’s moving, it’s transformational, and I am forever grateful and honored that we came up with this model that we’ve made very affordable. My wish is that this model could be more widely available to everyone and every teenager in the world.
I wish the world could start to see teenagers in the light that they really do deserve to be seen in. They blow me away.
I’m really proud of the way I love being a mom of teenagers.
[Teens are] going out into the world with so many more new challenges than we had growing up, and they have these incredible brains and incredible hearts. They just need an hour every now and again to be listened to deeply.
Can playfulness help achieve this?
Absolutely. With listening, playfulness can help. We’ve had a few teenagers who are very serious and they’ve got the weight of the world on their shoulders. Once we’ve listened to them and given them space, if we can insert a little bit of humor, you actually see their entire body lighten up. Their shoulders drop down and their eyes start to sparkle. Their entire being is different.
Humans are contracted when they’re in pain or when they’ve got stress. Playfulness helps that contraction to loosen up, to expand and blossom, and from that spaciousness, they can then make better decisions, feel happier, and live better lives. What’s not to love about that!?
Playfulness helps [teens] to loosen up, to expand and blossom, and make better decisions, feel happier, and live better lives.
My takeaway from this enlightening conversation with Chiara:
Hearing Chiara’s thoughts on why teens need playfulness just as much, if not more, than younger children left me feeling hopeful, inspired, and much less afraid of the teenage years.
The way she put it makes perfect sense. Teens have a heavy load; they need all the playfulness they can get to help lighten it.
I’m so grateful for Chiara’s dedication to caring about teens and spreading the word about what they truly need. While every family has a unique situation, and everyone is going through their own hardships, I absolutely believe that her tips and ideas can be applied in any family.
If you’d like to be in contact with Chiara, you can reach her at: [email protected]
If you are looking for some games that are a hit with tweens and teens, check out these improv games that are always a blast to play with my tween/teen theatre students as well as at home with my own family!
Six Hilarious Improv Games for Kids: Spark Laughter and Creativity at Home
Also great for connecting with older kids:
Pen, Paper, and Pure Fun: 10 Easy Drawing Games and Writing Activities for Kids and Adults
Hi! I’m Mia.
Mom, stepmom, wife, songwriter, performer, and theater educator.
I love sharing ideas, tips, and templates for connecting with kids through low-to-no budget, waste-free, creative play.
